A Conversation With Myself on Workout Day

A Conversation With Myself on Workout Day

“Go walk by the gym and see how many people are in there. 6 or more is too many people to laugh and watch you die. Oh okay, there is only 5 so I’m safe for today.”


“Put your wedding band on. That’ll help keep the creepy, steroid-user guys away.”

“Don’t forget your Apple Watch! Turn it on exercise mode so it’ll track how many calories you burn so you know how much pizza you can have tonight.”

“But make sure the volume is turned off on your watch! All you need is for it to start alarming when your heart rate reaches stroke level and everyone in the gym hears it. Then you would have to explain that it goes off every time you work out and that you are actually fine. They would for sure know it’s because you never workout!!”

“Find a happy medium for your music volume. Loud enough that you can’t hear your elephant feet pounding the treadmill, but can still hear if you start breathing too heavy. You don’t want to annoy the skinny girl beside you on the elliptical who’s pace is set high enough to compete with freaking Usain Bolt.”

“Speaking of pace …how long has she been running at that pace?! Try to nonchalantly peak at her time on her machine without her noticing and without falling off of your machine. SIXTY MINUTES AND 4 SECONDS. Holy Cow. Oh my God, she’s so going to judge me when I get off of this thing in 20 minutes. Maybe I should fake a cramp and just get off now…”

“Is that girl over there really doing pull ups after her bike workout? Wow ..Is that what I’m supposed to do? I didn’t even know that’s what that contraption was for.”

“I really don’t know what to do on my own without a strength coach telling me …What was that thing we used to do at the beginning of every session? A warm up?”

“I feel like that guy over there is starring at me. Is something on my machine going off? Maybe I accidentally held on to heart rate monitor too long and the alarm is going off!! Take your headphone out of one ear to check. Nope, nothing going off yet. Maybe he was just looking at my butt. Gross …”

“Well those 20 minutes felt like HALF OF MY LIFE. Slowly get off the elliptical and act like your legs aren’t pieces of spaghetti. Don’t let them see that 2o minutes almost killed you.”

“Walk normal. Walk normal.”

“Chug the water bottle before you get to the door so the Pepsi upstairs in the fridge won’t burn as bad when it goes down.”


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